Old friends and a rather sensitive subject.

Little Haggis and I love going to the nearby beaches. We love to run, soak up the fresh sea air, look for interesting stones and shells.
In this last year, a trip to the beach has been a very rare occurrence...


Today, an email arrived out of the blue. The sender is an old friend, who I got to know because of Little Haggis. She moved away from this area with her own Little Haggis (affectionately known as Peeks, and my Little Haggis's best little friend all through nursery) a good couple of years ago now.

There are some subjects which I know I would like to touch on in my blog, but did not know how, because it's not easy to talk about. As things work out, sending her an email back with what's been going on in my life, gave me the perfect opportunity to commit some of those more sensitive thoughts and issues to virtual paper. So, I will publish her little mail, and my more elaborate response.
I've omitted any identification, because I don't even know if she minds about me publishing our correspondence.


Hi POC (piece of chocolate)! Hope this is still you email address. So sorry I haven't been in touch for ages, years probably! Desperate to hear all your news. Are you still in the Borders, how's LBB (Little Big Boy) and L'Haggis? etc..... I'm living with My Man now in Northamptonshire and teaching still in a tough school, so very tired out. Peeks misses L'Haggis terribly, still talks about her loads. Would be lovely to catch up sometime (hoping L'Haggis remembers her!!). Anyway, let me know. Hope all well with you, DOF (Dear Old Friend)xx



HI DOF!!!!!

Such a long time...
No need to say sorry, I'm equally guilty! In fact, I think I might be more guilty than you are...

Of course L'Haggis remembers Peeks. How could she (or we) forget?

It's really good to hear that you are doing well, and that living with Your Man is working out fine.
I'm sure it must be pretty tough, teaching in a school full of teenagers.. I have been told a lot of stories over the last year and a half, you'll find out why...

Here, things have also moved on, I met a nice maths teacher (of all professions eh...) back in the summer of 2007 and he has moved in with me here. He's a good bit older than me (47, to be precise) but that is not an issue, in fact it has some real benefits. He's a divorcee, father of 2 grown up kids, and so that meant that he was free to move where he wanted, thus able to be flexible and move here. He's originally from the Teesside area, so not next door, but also not really that far away anyway. His kids, a son and a daughter, are really nice young people, and because they are both in their twenties, I can feel more like a friend than some wicked step mother. They have accepted me very well, and I like their company too, so that's all working out a treat really.
L'Haggis is doing well, LBB is doing well, he has joined the merchant navy, is at college, and so no longer home for the time being. If all goes to plan, he should be heading out at sea for his first long journey in the next coming 4 weeks. He'll be bound for West Africa, and then be back after 3 months for a short break and presumably, after that he'll be flown over to Panama, where he'll be working at a dry dock. He's training to be a Marine Engineering Officer, and I hope and pray every day that it all works out and that he will qualify in the end. It has not been an easy ride with him, and when he comes home (which is not very often) it's still not without its problems. My Dearly Beloved has settled in here too, loves the Borders and my house, which is now also his home.
In the very beginning, L'Haggis was not very receptive towards Beloved, but after a good year and a half now, that has all changed, and if he is not around she's eager to know where he is and when he will be back home. She has had to rely quite a bit on him, as I myself have not been that great. I've been suffering from severe depression, anxiety and really bad panic attacks for more than a year now, and every time that I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I seem to fall back into my deep dark hole with an almighty thud. I've been on all sorts of medication, with varying results, but nothing that has really brought the solution I'm hoping for. Beloved has been brilliant though, looking after my Little Haggis, making us tea after he comes home from a long day at work (he teaches at a school 50-odd miles away, so although the actual school day is not that long, you can just imagine how long he spends on those twisty winding roads!). It can't be easy for him, dealing with a mental wreck. I just think that life eventually caught up with me... Never thought it would, but hey, I had to give in, despite my assumptions I've had to learn the hard way that I'm not super woman after all.
My business is still going, although there has been an awful lot of stopping and starting with me not being well. The shop is now a great deal bigger, and when I'm open, which can be a struggle, I have lots and lots of all kinds of crafty and gifty things for sale, on top of doing (as best as I can manage) the usual soft furnishings and upholstery. I've also started to paint again lately, which helps me to put me in a better frame of mind. On top of that I've just started my own blog, which I hope will evolve into something cathartic, and should drive some of my demons away. (it's not for lack of trying to get back to the surface, you know...) Since I have been "a bit out of it" I cannot sleep at night, and that is why I am writing this reply now... I don't know what time it is, but I do know it must be well after midnight. I'm also hoping to use my blog to get my paintings out on the net, even though I'm not looking to turn it into some sort of a commercial website. Feel free to check it out if you like.. http://chocolateandhaggis.blogspot.com/ You can leave comments, etc..
I have been wondering how you have been doing. I had also been wondering whether you might be thinking of a little sibling for Peeks still. It seems like the wait to live together and to have a life with Your Man was long, but worthwhile. I really hope things will go from strength to strength for the two of you. I haven't passed your new neck of the woods much lately. We went to Belgium in the summer, but it was just a huge disappointment, I came away feeling completely emotionally drained, so it's not likely to be repeated in the near future. My family is growing more dysfunctional as time goes on, and I don't cope with it very well. I was really happy that my Beloved and I had been together for a year before I introduced him to the mad circus my family is. Had he not known me for who I am, he might have made a sharp exit upon meeting my weird and not so very wonderful family. Mr. Ex (father-Haggis) is getting married on the 4th of June coming. He sees Little Haggis fairly regularly, and I have to be honest, he is not a bad father. Contact between him and me is a bit like the weather... very changeable, and rather stormy at times. But we cope... As long as L'Haggis experiences it as a positive thing, I'm quite willing to put up with the odd storm.
I presume that Peeks has now no longer got any contact with her father? I'm sure the distance won't promote regular contact anyway, regardless of how the relationship was to start with.
Can reflexology cure a fractured worn out mind? If so, I'll get down there... haha. If only it was that simple. Do you still use those skills in any way at all?
Well, I think I might go and blog a bit, I might even use some of this email as a base... (don't worry, everything is completely anonymous!)

Let me know how it's all going. We should keep in contact more, but to be honest, I've not been in contact with anyone, it's hard to talk to anyone when you feel like you've lost yourself.

Speak soon?

POC & co xxx

my family and its changing shape.

Aaaaaah... It works!

Having sent out my first ever post, I had a slight panic attack. I thought:" What if I never find my own concoctions again? What if I cannot figure out how to add on a new post?".

All is still well in the world, and it would seem that those clever people who thought this up, have taken into account semi-dummies like me.

There is so much I'd like to write, that I don't really know where to begin.
I think I'll tell you a bit about the latest change in the composition of the members of my household.

Since yesterday afternoon I have adopted two cats. Not fluffy little kittens, but fully-grown, you might even say over-grown, adult female cats. They are sisters, 5 years old, and I found them in the local rescue kennels. Originally they had been brought in as a three-some. Mother Twinkle, who's 6-she clearly had a teenage pregnancy!-, with her daughters Star and Sky, all of them very overweight. They have now been on a diet of dry cat biscuits since they arrived there, which was on the 5th of January. Despite 2 months of water and dry food, it still required a great deal of strength to lift the carry-case, with the two daughters in it, in the car.

In the past I have had cats, but never more than one at a time. These two are more or less stuck together like glue, so they were not to be separated. That actually suits me perfectly. I run a little shop, which is contained in the same building that I live in. The decision was made that cats are lovely companions, but not everyone likes them, so they will not be allowed in the shop. Hence, why two of them is perfect to keep each other company during shop opening times.

Now, I've had plenty of experience with cats, something that cannot be said about my Dearly Beloved. In fact, he will forever be remembered as "the man who shooed the cats away"!
Some 25 years ago, long before I knew him, when he was only just together with his first wife, she decided to get 2 kittens. Apparently he committed the offence of shooing them away and later laying down a "no pets" rule, simply because he had no clue how to approach cats. He has never been allowed to forget since, and all who have crossed his path have been informed accordingly.
This has not put me off, I have converted the unconvertible ones before...

His vast gap in the knowledge about cats showed when we went to the kennels to take a look.
I managed to get him in with me in the cage where our 2 feline girls resided. He clearly acted like a fish out of the water. I must give him his dues though, he really did well. Gingerly stroking Millie (formerly known as Sky) on her furry head, he exclaimed:" Oh! Wow! This one is really soft. And she has such a lovely coat, so shiny and clean!" Followed by: "How do they get it like that? Do you give them a bath?"... Bless!

He's been at work today, and so has not seen much of our new little charges, whilst I have been at home all day and therefor have had a better chance to get to know them a bit.
My daughter (Little Haggis, who is seven) and I both didn't care much for the names Sky and Star, and after having established that neither cat actually reacted to their names being called, we thought it wouldn't harm to re-name them. Having debated a number of suggestions, we settled for Millie and Sammie. Millie is the biggest and completely black, while Sammie is slightly smaller and has a lovely tortoise shell pattern. Dearly Beloved insists on addressing them both as "he" and "him", even though I keep reminding him that they are female. I think it might have something to do with the fact that he does not like feeling outnumbered by quite such a large amount of female creatures in this house. Until a few months ago, I also had my Little Big Boy in the house. My Little Big Boy is 17 and completely of Belgian origin, just like myself. Since last September he has more or less left the house to join the merchant navy. He's currently at college, but not for that much longer. In just a few short weeks, he'll be leaving these shores and sail out on the wide seas to the west of Africa on his first ever voyage.
That means of course, apart from the odd weekend when the Little Big Boy is at home, Dearly Beloved is the only male present. Thankfully for him, the cats cannot tell him off. Of course it is my duty to tell him off at regular intervals-what else are we women for, than to keep our men on the straight and narrow?-, and Little Haggis does a perfect impression of my own self when it comes to exactly that, so the poor soul is very much hen-pecked.
Little Big Boy sticks up for Dearly Beloved, when he is around, which in turn results in Little Haggis and myself concentrating our full attention on aforementioned Little Big Boy, who will then end up getting the full load. Inadvertently this means that he does indeed lighten the load for Dearly Beloved, if it were not quite in the way he had imagined to do so.

It's getting late here. I am a bit of an insomniac, but I'm desperately trying to become a reformed insomniac and to sleep when the rest of the house is asleep. It would be better for me to go to bed now. With a bit of luck I will find my way back into my blog tomorrow or some other time soon.

Night night. x

First tentative steps.

This is it! I am inspired!
I guess I'm just one in a long long row, of course.
How did I get here?

Two words (or one name) : Petite Anglaise.

Sure, I had heard about blogs before. I'd never read one though, and to be honest, -please don't get upset with me now!- I thought it was something for weird computer geeks. I had this image of a virtual world, where people were acting out their fantasy lives, alter egos, you name it... through their blogs.

Being a bit of a book worm, I picked up "Petite Anglaise", the book, during my last hunt for my evening reading fix. I'm still reading it, as well as now having found the way to Petite Anglaise's blog.
In fact, I feel a little like a ball in a table tennis game; one moment I'm reading the book, greedily turning page after page; the next I'm scouring through Petite's archives, matching the book's events to the actual blog, whilst sneakily getting ahead, peeking at some of the newer posts.

I'm sure many women in their thirties, like Petite and myself, will recognise a lot of the situations and feelings she describes in her book and blog, however, I feel I have a sort of special kinship.
Not only am I the same age, I also find myself in a new country. I too, have a little girl, only difference being that mine isn't a tadpole, but a little haggis (topped with mayonnaise for that bit of Belgian-ness). The father-haggis is also not any longer in my life as a partner/husband, and a lot of water has flown under the bridge since.

My arrival in Scotland came about in quite a different way to Petite's move to France, but that is not of great importance. (If anyone does stumble upon this, and would like to know more, I could tell you the story of how this cunning Scotsman came and tempted me away from my lovely native Bruges...)
Looking at both our lives today, there are a lot of parallel lines, lived out on the two different sides of the Channel.

So, to get back on track, here I am. This might never be read by another pair of eyes, who knows?
The reason for writing here, is that at least there is a box to post my ramblings. I often write little bits, which invariably get deleted right before I can hit the save button. It seemed pointless to clog up the hard drive with things that I'd never show to anyone anyway.

My native language is Dutch as I am originally from the Flemish North of Belgium. I came to live in Scotland in April of 1998, already armed with a good basic knowledge of the English language.
I must admit though, that even now, after 11 years, I still don't consider myself fluent, or at least not quite as fluent as I'd like to be. Unlike Petite, I have not kept on speaking my native language on a daily basis (to my great embarrassment, I have to admit that my little haggis is not bi-lingual at all) and so I find myself stuck somewhere in the nowhere land between two languages.

I hear people speaking my native Dutch and feel strangely detached, it almost sounds alien, yet at the same time I can't quite master the subtle emotional nuances that are contained in the English language.

Of course when I first came here, my knowledge of English was more or less purely technical, and often my use of it lead to hilarious situations at the workplace. You could hedge your bets on it that someone would pick up on the slightest thing that could be turned into an innuendo, and then milk it for all it was worth.

My plan now? I will use this blog as a sort of notebook. You might find a recalled memory. Maybe I'll end up writing a bit about my everyday life. Or it could be that I post something of an observation, some thoughts, probably things as seen from a foreigner's point of view in this beautiful country I've come to live in.

I'm really curious to find out how the rest of this works, so I am going to hit the "PUBLISH POST" button...

Until the next time?