A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.

And so it is that I'm sat here in my sofa, and quite unexpectedly my Little Big Boy is sitting here beside me.
As it turns out, it's not due to the greatest of circumstances though.

Back in September he went off to college, after having won the sponsorship of a shipping company, to be trained up as a Marine Engineering Officer in the Merchant Navy.
It was all excitement, the great adventure looming...

He's just completed 6 months training at college and he should now be waiting to sail out on the wide seas.
However, not all has gone as expected. Far, far from it, in fact.


If you have read some of my previous entries, you will have found out a bit about things that went on in our household some years back. What you don't know yet, is that since my boy was seven years of age, and came to Scotland, his natural father virtually turned his back on him. He has not had any time or affection for him. Contact had been non-existent for about seven years, until my boy became so frustrated and angry that we decided to try and build some bridges. It's a long story, but basically the gist of it is, that things never quite got off the ground. There has been some sort of contact, but not of the kind that can fill this huge big gaping hole in his life. I have a lovely boy, who I would give the world, but the one thing he misses in his life, is the very thing I can never give him.. and that is for his birth father to take a genuine interest in him and show him love.

I can only make a guess about how much he has hurt over those years, and still does.

I'm left completely powerless.

Like any teenager, he's been through the hormonal mill over the last few years, sometimes being as prickly as a scared hedge-hog. Probably prickly for the same reasons as that same hedge-hog. Other times, still just a little ball of fluff, needing to be hugged and cuddled, still very much in need of protection and guidance.

Just a few years ago, at the onset of his puberty years, whilst his young mind was trying to cope with the lack of meaningful contact with his father, together with all the usual turmoil that's part of growing up, his step dad was slowly losing grip on life, as bipolar illness took a hold of him.
You would think any young person could be forgiven for having lost direction from time to time, for feeling confused, particularly under those circumstances.

And of course, there have been occasions when all this teenage angst has manifested itself in a fight or two, in some rude words... but a mother's love is the most bottomless pit and nothing is forgiven and forgotten faster than the mistakes of a growing child. On top of that, I'm the first one to admit that I've been the one to handle some situations in the wrong way. Parenting is challenging at the best of times and especially your first born can turn your life into a steep learning curve.

We have generally had a good open relationship over the years, but there are always things that you simply can't discuss with your nearest and dearest.
Sometimes you need someone who is completely impartial.
On the subject of his birth father, I am all but neutral, in fact, it can make me feel so very angry inside, on account of my child. He's obviously very aware of that, and I just can't help myself, however much I try to suppress those feelings.

And so it happened that my boy felt the need to talk to someone about this. At college he found out about a counselling service for students, and decided to go and talk to a professional about his feelings.


I was actually really pleased to hear about this, (he told me straight away about the fact that he was using the facility) as I thought this was quite a mature decision, and definitely a much more sensible way to deal with his feelings, rather than bottling them all up and then to go out and get himself into a fight.


During those few sessions with the "trained counsellor" he spoke of some of his fears, about his own moods, etc.


Something very important to remember here, is that he has been exposed to someone in his family who was very, very ill with mental illness. He knows the symptoms, has seen what it can do to someone, and of course, it left us all shaken, including my boy. When he felt down and sad, followed by feeling angry, he started to wonder in his own mind if the changes of his own mood were "normal".

We often talked about this, and even though I kept on re-assuring him that what he felt was very normal under the circumstances, he obviously never felt quite assured enough.

I tried to tell him that going through puberty, having all these changes taking place in your body and your mind, makes even young people in the most stable of situations moody and confused. Add his background into the mix, and you can't avoid feelings of sadness and anger following each other in quick succession.


Living with someone who loses themselves in the grip of bipolar illness has that effect on you, I know, because I also found myself scrutinising my own mind when I didn't quite feel that great inside. It simply is a scary prospect, and you can't help but wondering, fearing for your own mental health once you have witnessed this from very close-up.


Any sensible adult and parent of a teenager could see that there is nothing at all out of the ordinary with my son, in fact, many people have said that they think he's coping remarkably well, considering what has gone on in his young life. The counsellor however, decided otherwise and referred him for a full psychiatric assessment. I was outraged!!! This was no help at all, this only left him in more doubt, whilst all he needed was some re-assurance.

This all happened very recently, so an assessment had not yet taken place when my son had to be seen by a company doctor to get a medical for Liberia and Panama (the two places he was supposed to go to over the next 6 months).

TBC very soon...