Menage a trois.

My dad called today. This has to be about the third time we've spoken this year. We don't have a lot of contact, usually just enough to ensure each other of the fact that all is still OK on both sides of the North Sea.
However, since the very first call of the year, on the 1st of January, things have felt "different".

The call that came that day is one I won't forget. It was still relatively early in the morning for a New Years day. Adding to that, the fact that Belgium is an hour ahead, when my mobile rang, I was still somewhere in that hazy place between sleep and wake, just before getting up.

The first thing that was strange, is the very fact that my dad called me, rather than the other way around. In my family there is an unspoken and unwritten, but normally very strictly observed hierarchy. As the younger one, it is your responsibility to call your elders, NOT the other way around. Except that is, when it is your birthday, or when an urgent message needs to be passed on. Casual calls are exactly that, and therefor can be initiated by either side, But when it comes to days like Christmas and New Years' day, the obligation to be the ONE to MAKE THAT CALL is firmly with the child/grandchild.

When I realised on that morning that my dad was on the other side of the line, I had two initial thoughts rushing through my head. The first one was that something was wrong, and immediately after that I was bracing myself for being told off about some sort of duty I might not have fulfilled (although it really puzzled me WHAT I could possibly have done wrong or forgotten about).
As it turned out, it was neither. My dad turned out to be perfectly jolly, nothing was amiss, he simply called me to wish me a happy New Year.

...Or so the cover story went. After a couple of minutes of chit chat, he came clear about what he really called me.

"I have a bit of different news." he uttered "You know things haven't been great between me and Rose (his wife of nearly 20 years) for quite some time now?"

"Hmm mmm..." I yawned in reply.

"Well," he said, "I have a girlfriend."

"Oh... Oooookaaaay...." I hesitated.

Before I had a chance to ask whether that meant he was leaving Rose for this new woman in his life, he added: "And I have told Rose about it, because I'm not planning to leave her, but all those who are not happy are free to leave...."

There was a bombshell at the very start of the year!
It sure woke me up!

He filled me in on some more detail about the "new woman", whilst all the while I tried to digest this news. I mean, I had been well aware of the fact that the marriage he is in, is all but filled with warmth, tenderness or passion. But this still knocked me off my feet all the same. The thing is, that I am happy for my dad, in the way that I absolutely believe that we all have a right to feel loved and to meet that person who has the capacity to make us feel complete. The part that unsettles me is the unusual arrangement, as it were. I still don't know what Rose's take is on all this. We've never been close anyway, conversation has always had an edge of awkwardness, but just now I would really not know what to say to her. I feel a loyalty towards my dad and at the same time I kind of feel sorry for her.

One person who definitely does not feel sorry for Rose, is my mum. It was my mum who was left for "the other woman" (Rose) 20 years ago. My mum's view is of course that what comes around, goes around. Another one of her takes on this is that she is now re-assured about the fact that in the end she was better off without my dad. The way she perceives it, is that he was always going to stray, no matter what.

Every interpretation of any situation always depends on the viewpoint of all the individuals involved in it or observing it. I have a belief that my dad never has had a conscious intention to stray as such, in fact, in a warped way, what he is doing now, is not straying, though he is of course very much bending the rules in order to make the new situation suit his own purposes.
He's a romantic at heart, and is perpetually chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I have been very guilty of this myself over the years, so I can identify with those feelings. In today's world, you could almost call him a very stable and consistent man in his relationships. He met my mum when only 16 and remained with her until the age of 39, he then went straight on to Rose, whom he has spent 20 years with so far. At the age of 36, I have two failed marriages behind me, and a string of relationships between and after, that obviously also failed. I feel that same desire to be "in love", to feel alive, to experience the rush of infatuation. The biggest difference between myself and my father is that I have been what you call a serial monogamist, where as my dad has had affairs, and left his wife(ves) for others.


During the next phone call I asked him how things were going, if he had any plans about changing his situation? How did he manage to fit two relationships in his life, especially with BOTH women knowing? His reply was : "Two halves also make one whole." I would disagree, In my opinion two such halves can only lead to one thing: one huge WHOLE mess. But who am I to say? I'm 36, my dad is 59. When my dad was 39 and I was 16, I was convinced, like any teenager, that I knew better. With hindsight, I know that some of my observations from back then were correct, in particular the nagging feeling that my dad had picked a partner who was completely mismatched to him.
20 Years on, I've come to the conclusion that love is blind at all ages. In all other aspects my dad is 23 years ahead of me, and as long as we'll both be here, that's always the way it will be, something I failed to see at 16.
So in my 20 years of extra wisdom, I refrain from criticising his choices, however odd they may seem.
I worry, because I care, because so much of what used to be our little family has been undone, is fractured and unrepairable, and I would like to prevent any further unravelling at all costs.
I do realise that it is not in my hands.
I wonder if, maybe by approaching my 59 year old dad like any love-sick teenager, by NOT going against the situation and by giving him my blessing, if he will be more likely to choose right, rather than to stick to his guns purely to prove the world wrong?